Undeserving
by andy kay
Summary: One-shot. Simon POV. Simon 'tells' everyone how he feels.


I decided to update the story, no real changes, just the format a bit.  
This is a one-shot piece. It's Simon's POV on his life after the accident. It focuses on how his recent trip into maturity has effected his view on life. Please read it and review.  
Disclaimer: Not Mine!   
Spoiler: Pretty much just Life and Death.

I can count the people I never took for granted on one hand. The people I love and who love me, I can't. It took a tragedy to get me to open my eyes. But I see it all so clearly now. I don't deserve their love.

I don't deserve the glances of admiration and pride from my mother. The warm father-son talks with Dad. I don't deserve Matt's advice when it came to girls, or his lectures on the same. I don't deserve Mary's willingness to forgive me so easily, and her help every single time I screwed up. I don't deserve Lucy's warm hug everytime I was down, and her snide comments to try and pull me out of myself. I don't deserve Robbie's need to protect me, even when I was doing something stupid. I don't deserve Ruthie's constant caring. Her ability to be my rock when all I wanted was to float anchor-lessly about the sea. I don't deserve Cecilia in every way. The way she holds me, kisses me. It reminds me of the Simon I was. The Simon that needed these people only when it was okay. Now, I need them all, but I don't.

And being in love hurts as much as guilt. Yes, I have been in love before, but I was younger. I'm not saying that I didn't really love Deena, but she taught me how to love better. To actually be a man and to love really. When I see Cecilia, I see a future. White picket fences, little kids running around, I see it all. I don't need the future, though. I can barely live with the past. I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the present.

I know it doesn't make sense. I need their love to guide me through life, but that isn't what I deserve. I know now that I need to make this journey alone. Find my place of shelter in my own soul. God guides me, his love is not one that can be deserved. God's love I can deal with. His love isn't the love that brings me toast and jelly when I refuse to eat breakfast with the family. His love doesn't loan me their books without ever expecting to get them back, and putting it back on my shelf when I do return it. His love doesn't come in it at night, watching me as I futilely attempt to sleep.

That's why I'm writing this letter. I want everyone I love and care about to read this. I need you to know what I can simply not say.

Mom,

You are the light of this family. Without you, everything would simply fall apart. I love you for everything you've done for us all. I'm not me right now, and don't blame yourself when I don't say 'thank you' or I choke up at an 'I love you.' I do love you, and I thank you for everything. But showing feeling right now, it just won't happen. I need to find my way out of myself to be 'out there' to you all. I will, someday.

Dad,

You guide us. Our navigator. Our shining hope that through it all, there is a good ending. It is because of you that I know that someday, maybe in the near future, or maybe in the distant future, I will be okay. I will be able to sleep at night without listening to Paul scream. I have been nothing but cold to you before, and we were finally hitting a good spot in our relationship before I killed Paul. It will go back. I promise you that.

Matt,

The Big Brother. If it weren't for you, Matt, I'd never made it through my adolescence. And I know we don't see each other much. But you still teach me, I learn how to heal from you. These scars inside my heart will heal because you taught me that faith in yourself with heal you better than any medicine. Remember when you told me that, Matt? I do.

Mary,

The family loves you. I know at times it seems like we don't. I know that when you were sent to Buffalo, you felt like we'd turned our backs. No, we were watching for you the whole time. You and I always had a lot in common. We could do everything right, and, somehow, we seemed to screw up. I know you're confused right now, and you're hurting. It will heal with time. Mine will heal, too. You taught me how to get back up. When it seemed like you might never walk again, you shocked the town by starting the next season. You didn't shock me. I knew you'd be there. If you had to break down the gym doors, you'd be there.

Lucy,

You're going to be an amazing minister. You know how I know that? Because you have the qualities Dad has. You, Lucy Camden, have the ability to look inside a person and not see what they did, who they were, or how they lived. You see what they feel, how they believe. That's an amazing quality. I'm proud of what you've done. It is because of you that I know that every look I get is not out of pity, but concern. That the feelings I have are okay, because I am.

Ruthie,

I see you grow up every day, and still I'm reminded of the first years of your life, and all the time we spent together. I loved sharing a room with you as much as I hated it. You knew everything that was going on, and, because of you, I know how to love. Because of you, I know that, once I am better, it's okay to move on.

Kevin,

I couldn't have asked for a better brother. You came into my life at a rough time for me, but you molded into this family. You are not my brother-in-law as far as I am concerned. You are my brother. It's hard to deal with so many things at once, but you are always there to protect me. I've seen you shield each of us at one point or another. You are teaching me now exactly what I need to learn: a way to feel grief without grieving. I know you understand what I mean. I don't have the right the grieve.

Sarah,

I don't see you a lot, in fact, rarely, but you are one of the most convicted people I ever met. You married a man completely different from you, in spite of your respective fathers, out of love. You glided smoothly through life with your own faith. You used your love to embue others with a sense of purpose. It worked for me. It was because of you that I realized how alone I needed to be. If it weren't for you, I would probably have torture myself to death in focusing my anger somewhere bad. Instead, you helped me to focus on a point to heal.

Peter,

You are a great guy. I know this because of the way my sister looks at you, and they way you look at her. A love rivaled by no other I've seen in anyone's eyes before. And the brother in me is screaming that she is too young to be in love, but I know better. Love has no age, and, especially for the two of you, no bounds. However, if you hurt her, know that I will hunt you down. You taught me something that many people have tried to teach me, and never succeeded. Peter, you taught me that, no matter how badly I feel about something, someone else feels worse. That, whether I hurt or not, I have to care. If it weren't for you, this seemingly hollow shell I am walking in, really would be hollow. I still have a light because of your guidance. You truly have a gift.

Cecilia,

You are the reason to keep going. I know that I have pulled away, and you need to understand. I need to be alone before I can figure out where 'we' need to be. I love you more than life itself, but I cannot do that right now. It's all or nothing, and it is selfish. But, I need to be selfish now. You've taught me something no one else could ever do. You taught me that true love really is worth the wait. The pain, the problems, the misconceptions, they were all worth it for me to realize that when I fix myself, I need you. And, believe me when I say this, my love for you will never stop. If you decide you are tired of waiting, you can move on. But know that I never will. I love you, and I plan on spending the rest of my life with you. But, first, let me get through the next day, the next minute, alone.

I love you all, I just can't say it. If I say that, then I'm saying that I am all right. I'm not, and I can't say that I love you. I can't love myself right now, and what I've become is not something that deserves love. I will heal, with time. And a lot of thinking. For now, just know that I'm still here. I'm still here.


End file.
